i'll call you when the time is right.

sometimes i wonder if i really would be missed if i disappeared. it springs to mind that more than one person would be better off without me here. this isn't a bad thing. but perhaps its time to move on for a while. its like an epiphany when it comes to that stage in your life when you realise you're at a crossroads and you don't know what to do. last night i realised that whilst i'm trying to ignore the obvious and work myself out here, i'm hurting other people in the process. not least of all myself. there are people i love, people it hurts to see that through my actions i am causing pain to. completely unintentionally. but its like a neon sign pointing down the road. they are the ones that would be able to move on with their own lives if only for me. and we're all at a time when a sense of self belief is one of the integral parts of being an adult and knowing who you are. and that's something i am not only missing, but seem to be influencing in others also. and i don't see that as fair.

for sure, there are those who will miss me. but it seems to me that there are few that will miss me for who i am, more that will miss me because of what i try to be. there is one integral fault in all of this - i don't know what i want, so therefore i'm not sure by any means if what i have is what i want. if that makes any sense at all.

its funny how certain acts change completely the perspective you have on certain things. sometimes i feel like a pinball, bouncing off mirrored surfaces and giving myself a headache. i think i think too much. but with all that thinking has come this epiphany, painful realisation of the truth, breaking at the bend... i've realised that i am hurting those i love. several of them. and i'm not doing anyone any good in the process.

so here is my apology. i'm sorry i can't be myself - i don't know what myself quite is. i'm sorry to take you on this journey - i now know its one i have to take alone. i'm sorry to influence you in this way. and you, i'm sorry i've hurt you. more than you know.

**And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend**