Friday, November 03, 2006

second class citizen.

i live with a ghost. never here, in body and in mind, rarely here in either. in body - her mind is elsewhere, thinking about Him. He fills her days, her every waking hour. and leaves me behind in His wake. i sit, alone on the couch, thoughts of her, i miss her. its a strange feeling to cohabitate with someone, to know them, and to know that they don't know you. to know that you play second fiddle to everything else in their life.

and when she is here, she complains of her 'second class citizen feelings'. He exults his car, and leaves her behind. and yet, it is his passion. and so, she accepts. am i, then, to accept that He, in turn, is her passion; to take a back seat to their relationship? or is it just that i am jealous? put that way, it seems unjustifiable that i feel the way i do. and who am i to be jealous, anyway? merely a second class citizen. merely her best friend.

i come home, after promises of time to spend together. a promise to get home soon, a promise to do girly things and hang out on the couch. i've had a bad day, and she knows it. and all i want is a little time with her. she's not here. she's never here. she's gone, like a scent lingering on a summer breeze - full of promise but unable to be caught, leaving yet more promises in her wake. she'll be home soon. i give up after an hour and leave.

they pass us in the car as we walk down the street. i don't think they saw us. i walk, determined, to my destination, and drown my sorrows in rum. home again - i sneak in around the back, but lack the perserverance to bother sneaking through my own house to catch them unawares. its not worth the effort.

the effortlessness is mutual.

'oh, you're home'. yes. yes i am, i live here too, apparently. cohabitation is not a prerequisite for communication, i have found. oh, you had a nice night working on the car? good for you, i hope you burn in hell. i'm going to sit here and pout and be selfish. i don't like you right now.

i don't like you at all. go to sleep.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


6/23/2007 10:28 PM  
Blogger Me. said...

and the most random comment of the day goes to...

6/24/2007 7:44 PM  

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