Wednesday, August 16, 2006

just say yes...

i'm scared. i'm scared of myself. this is the first time i've felt like this. with my beautiful english boy (for whom the word 'my' has become, and always has been, redundant), it was different. at least then it was finite. you can't realistically chase someone around the country, let alone the world. but that's all over.

this boy... oh, what to do about this boy... what do you say to someone who seems utterly perfect for you? why does having someone who seems to know me inside out make me want to run for cover? i think its that anonymity i've managed to maintain all my life. to have a kernel of truth somewhere, to know that no matter what, only me knows all of me, and that nobody can, or will, ever get through the walls to know me inside out. he's coming close though. i've never met anyone so intuitive. who, when i try to explain something, says, 'i know'. something that's a big issue for me, an epiphany of sorts, that he figured out long before i knew about it myself.

what scares me is this. i'm not in control any more. he knows what he wants to know, he goes off and he does what he wants to do, and regardless of whether it irks me, i feel powerless to tell him otherwise. but that lack of control? how do i deal with that? i'm scared already. scared of losing what i have. scared of surrender. scared of losing myself by being known so well. scared of loving him.

i want to run away.

but, i want to discover...

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

the frailty of superhumans..

once, when i was a kid, i was convinced i was invincible. just like everyone else. those superhuman fantasies we all entertain in childhood are abandoned in youth, but reappear in early adulthood as we entertain our friends, employers, prospective partners (and lovers alike), our families and our own self-inflated egos. our bulging balloons of self worth that we carry about like trophies to be exulted at, however shallowly; but only until life throws a dart.

everyone is invincible, in their own mind.