Thursday, June 30, 2005

i'll call you when the time is right.

sometimes i wonder if i really would be missed if i disappeared. it springs to mind that more than one person would be better off without me here. this isn't a bad thing. but perhaps its time to move on for a while. its like an epiphany when it comes to that stage in your life when you realise you're at a crossroads and you don't know what to do. last night i realised that whilst i'm trying to ignore the obvious and work myself out here, i'm hurting other people in the process. not least of all myself. there are people i love, people it hurts to see that through my actions i am causing pain to. completely unintentionally. but its like a neon sign pointing down the road. they are the ones that would be able to move on with their own lives if only for me. and we're all at a time when a sense of self belief is one of the integral parts of being an adult and knowing who you are. and that's something i am not only missing, but seem to be influencing in others also. and i don't see that as fair.

for sure, there are those who will miss me. but it seems to me that there are few that will miss me for who i am, more that will miss me because of what i try to be. there is one integral fault in all of this - i don't know what i want, so therefore i'm not sure by any means if what i have is what i want. if that makes any sense at all.

its funny how certain acts change completely the perspective you have on certain things. sometimes i feel like a pinball, bouncing off mirrored surfaces and giving myself a headache. i think i think too much. but with all that thinking has come this epiphany, painful realisation of the truth, breaking at the bend... i've realised that i am hurting those i love. several of them. and i'm not doing anyone any good in the process.

so here is my apology. i'm sorry i can't be myself - i don't know what myself quite is. i'm sorry to take you on this journey - i now know its one i have to take alone. i'm sorry to influence you in this way. and you, i'm sorry i've hurt you. more than you know.

**And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend**

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

with thanks to nick.




some of my art. this is me.

i've been asked why i like corsets. its a hard question to answer. i love the shape, the feel, the security. most of all its that i love the mixture between having a secret and being an exhibitionist. i love people's reactions when they find out.

i feel intimate with my own body. its like being naked in public. you can feel every centimetre of your own skin. its like a permanent hug, that's yours and yours only and noone else knows about it unless you feel like sharing. people think its strange that you choose to lace, that its old fashioned, archaic, damaging to your health (which it certainly couldn't be or the WASP population of the earth would have been decimated long ago) or just plain strange. but why do people adhere to fashions? why do they get their ears pierced? its all a matter of self expression.

its not a sexual thing, not in the way people might think. it doesn't make me feel dominant, or like a prostitute. but i have something that noone else i've encountered so far has.

i am special. at least for a moment in time.